Blind Dates & Cussing
by Indiostar
Summary: A slightly AU story that starts with a festival and leads into a wild night of partying with our 2 favorite Sannin. Jiraiya dirty dancing,Tsunade body shots, and a night to remember! Witty comebacks for all. Tsunade cusses a lot and there's NO LEMON.


**An oneshot cuz I'm bored. Also I'm avoiding Tricked into Love cuz I suck like that. Enjoy and thanks for reading. Reviews are greatly appreciated.**

**Slightly AU, but I can do whatever the hell I want because it's my story! =P  
>Also I'm not taking this super seriously so I don't care about bending the rules a bit, like not staying loyal to the settings and whatnot. <strong>

**They're in their twenties here.**

**WARNING! LOTS OF CURSING FROM TSUNADE'S BAD MOUTH!  
><strong>

**Don't own anything but my soul… if I hadn't sold it for a pair of boots...**

"You've got to be shitting me," Tsunade exclaimed and shot up from her spot next to her teammates.

"Language Hime," Jiraiya commented from next to her, earning a glare.

"I agree, why would they force us to partake in something as moronic as this?" Orochimaru stated as he too stood to confront their sensei.

"It wasn't my idea guys," Sarutobi lied with a shrug. "I guess the elders just thought they'd mix up the festival for once. I think change is good, and it's not like we're telling you to marry the person. It's just a fun little game that'll strengthen the bond between your generation." _And hopefully one of you guys will get laid so we can have a next generation_, he thought grumpily. No one seemed like they even planned to have any children, and their shinobi numbers were decreasing rapidly. Sarutobi suggested that they force a relationship on people for a night in hopes that _some_ chemistry would happen and _hopefully_ someone would get pregnant. He came up with this with Tsunade in mind, his tomboyish medic that seemed to have the idea that no man is good enough for her ingrained in her mind.

"I'm all for it," Jiraiya piped with a cheerful grin. It was just an excuse for him to get some for the night, not that he needed one, but now Tsunade couldn't beat him for it. With his luck, he'd be in some girl's bed before anyone even broke out the sake.

"Of course _you_ are, you man whore," Tsunade seethed down at him. She turned to her sensei, "I think we should ban Jiraiya from this, since he's bound to pass on whatever STDs he has onto some innocent girl."

"Tsunade, you _know_ we have him do a monthly check in just in case of that," Sarutobi said in a tired voice. The sad thing was that it was true.

"Perhaps it'll be good for him to have to go on a date before he screws some girl. Kami knows he hasn't been on one before, especially with Tsunade-HIme," Orochimaru stated in a smooth voice.

"Dein Mutter ist eine Hure," Jiraiya called to the pale man. Tsunade turned her head slowly to stare at him like he'd just announced he was going to practice abstinence.

"My mother is dead," Orochimaru responded in an unfazed voice. Once Jiraiya got over the initial shock of the man understanding him, he proceeded to mumble about how it was no fun if people actually knew what he was saying.

Sarutobi, used to their antics, continued as if he was never interrupted. "Dress up and meet at the market's center so you can be given your blind date name. You'll then meet with your date and enjoy the festival, or not, it's your choice. You only have to stay with your date for a couple hours, until 11:00 o'clock, so try not to kill, maim," he stared at both Tsunade and Orochimaru as he said this, "or _get _killed and maimed," he shifted his gaze at Jiraiya, who scoffed," until eleven. Got it?"

"Whatever," Orochimaru said in a quiet voice.

"No promises," Tsunade grumbled.

"Why do you assume I'm going to get my ass kicked?" Jiraiya asked as he stood.

"Because you're a dumbass," Orochimaru said as he walked away. Sarutobi sighed and rubbed his temple. _God help whoever gets caught up with these three_, he thought wearily, watching the three walk off to get ready.

"So can you help me Hime?" Jiraiya practically begged his teammate, who was attempting to ignore him just so she didn't have to end up killing him. The night was still young, after all.

"No," was her blunt answer.

"Please!"

"Fucking no Jiraiya!"

"Language!"

_**SMACK!**_

"Now shut the hell up before I do more than just slap you," she threatened and kept walking.

"I- I'll let you use me as your own personal slave for a couple days!" he pleaded, desperate to get her to help him dress for the occasion. She stopped in her tracks and turned to stare at him with a determined look.

"A week," she demanded.

"A week? God no!"

"No deal then,"

"FINE! A WEEK! Kami," he groaned and ran to her side.

"We stop at my house first though," she said without even looking to see if he caught up with her yet.

They entered Tsunade's "house" (mansion) and made their way upstairs to where her room was. She pointed to her bed, "Sit," she commanded, and he obediently did so. She placed her hands on both his shoulders and slid them down to his chest. He had to try his hardest to hide the smirk that was sure to split his face. She climbed the bed behind him and eyed his back, trying to get the size.

"So," he started awkwardly. He felt like she was eye raping him. It was supposed to be the other way around! "Do you live here all by yourself Hime?"

"Grandpa's dead, same with parents, and you know about Nawaki," she said in an occupied voice, "what do you think?"

"Ah, so the princess dwells in her abandoned tower alone, longing for her white knight to come and swoop her out of her solitude," he mused to himself. She slapped the back of his head and continued her work.

"You know, you really do have a way with words. Why don't you become a poet and make yourself useful instead of using that talent to spout complete shit so you can get laid." She climbed off the bed and walked out of the room, beckoning for him to follow as she did so.

"Language Hime! No man likes a vulgar woman, especially when that woman is an esteemed ninja and princess," he called after her, which she responded to by flipping him off. The two made their way through the massive house to what he assumed was either her dad or grandpa's room. Before they died, that is.

"This was my grandpa's old room. My dad was short so I don't really think you'll be able to fit in his suits. How tall are you?"

"6'2ish. Are you sure it's okay for me to be wearing a Hokage's clothes Hime?" he asked hesitantly.

"Good, I think my grandpa was about your size," she muttered as she made her way to the giant walk in closet at the end of the room. "And I don't assume you have any suits, so don't worry about it. He's dead already anyways, so it's not like he's going to care," she said nonchalantly.

"He walked in behind her and leaned against the mahogany doorframe. "Must you always be so blunt Hime?"

She stopped to look at him with a raised brow. "Must you always be so sensitive? I'm sure you didn't mind the dirty things all those whores said to you when they were impaling themselves on you di- AHA!" Jiraiya jumped at her outburst and stood straight when she came at him with a sharp black suit and held it against him. "Perfect!" she exclaimed and wrapped her hands around his hips.

"Eh!" he shouted at the sudden invasion of space. She made her way down to his crotch, measuring his inseam and pulling his pants to get the right fit. He smirked down at her, not able to let an opportunity to make a sex joke pass when it came. "Y'know Hime, despite what that freak said, I do actually like to take girls out for dinner before we have fun, and your no exception."

"Jiraiya, I don't think you want to be making smutty jokes when my hands are this close to your balls," she warned without stopping. "I can't imagine how horrified your doctor would be after seeing what I can do to a man's genitals."

His face went pale and he cleared his throat awkwardly. He felt very unsafe with her that close to his most prized possession all of a sudden. She came up and shoved the suit into his hands, "Put it on."

"Right now? I know you may be desperate to see my amazing body but I do have some dignity Hime," he joked with mock seriousness. Tsunade gave him the icy glare that she perfected all those years ago just for him. A chill went up his spine and he quickly shrugged out if his robe, leaving him in only his fishnet shirt and baggy pants. He felt uncomfortable under her heavy stare, but continued to strip. It felt wrong to be undressing in the ex-Hokage's room, especially with the granddaughter of said man staring at him intently as he did so… it was kinda' kinky actually…

"Could you go any slower?" she quipped when he stopped midway in pulling off his skintight shirt.

"Well excuse me for not ripping my clothes off for your convenience. Not all of us can afford to buy new gear whenever we feel like it." He pulled the second skin over his head and slipped out of his shoes to slide his pants off. He knew it was a good day to wear underwear.

He stood in only his briefs, which, to Tsunade's amusement, had "Choking Hazard" printed all over them. He awkwardly pulled on the black pants and slipped his arms into the simple white button down shirt. "The pants are a bit tight," he muttered as he buttoned the shirt from the top down.

"Maybe if you weren't such a fat ass you would fit in them," came her snappy retort. He paused to sigh and shake his head, but otherwise said nothing.

Jiraiya pulled on the jacket, which, to his surprise, fit perfectly, and looked at himself in the mirror with a crooked grin. Tsunade threw a plain light blue tie at him as she began to walk out the room, stating that she had to get ready too.

"Errm, Hime?" he said hesitantly.

Tsunade rubbed her temples and leaned against the doorframe to look back at her teammate with an impatient glare. "What is it now Jiraiya?" she asked in the same tone of a parent talking to a small child. He responded by holding his tie up with a helpless look that reminded Tsunade of a pouting dog, only not as cute. Not nearly as cute. Actually, it just looked downright pathetic when he did it.

"You're a pathetic excuse for a man," she said with a scoff.

"I'll accept that as long as you tie it for me," he responded with a grin.

She pulled his ponytail to lower him to her height and swiftly tied the tie before synching it up and tucking it into his suit. She patted his chest and walked off, saying," Try not to do anything stupid while I'm gone." He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at her disappearing figure, muttering to himself before exiting the room to go wait in the main room.

Tsunade made her way up to her room and shut the door behind her to get dressed. She grabbed one of the many dresses in her closet that she was forced to buy for special occasions like this and hung it next to her mirror. It was an elegant yet simple baby blue dress that shimmered with sparkles. It had thin straps and ended just above her knee, where it draped diagonally to cover most of her right leg. She actually like this dress, unlike most of the other overly decorated dresses that she was more or less threatened into wearing whenever the occasion came up. This one was simple enough for her and didn't make her feel too frilly.

Tsunade quickly undid her braids to pull her hair up into a fancy bun and stuck two decorated chopsticks in her hair to hold it up. She lightly dabbed the foundation on her face and spread it evenly over her pale skin to hide any scars or bruises that she happened to acquire. A bit of eyeliner, mascara, and just a touch of blue eye shadow and she was done. She slipped into the dress and twirled in front of her mirror to get a 360 view. With a content smile, she pulled on her silver heels, put on a pair of hoop earrings, grabbed her small purse and shut the door behind her.

Tsunade hurried down the stairs, spewing many unkind words about her heels as she did so, and walked into the family room to find Jiraiya lounging on one of the couches. "Oi," she called to get his attention. His head snapped up and he stood to leave but haltered a little when he got a good look at her. His eyes widened ever so slightly and he coughed awkwardly before opening the door for her. "You look beautiful Hime," he commented as she walked out. "Now, shall we get this over with?"

"Yeah, maybe I'll be able to get drunk enough to get through this night when I get there," she murmured as they began walking to where the festival was being held. They could see the night lit up with various lights and candles hung from the tops of buildings. The music was loud and festive, as expected from any town event.

"Y'know Hime, the whole point of this thing is to create a strong bond between the shinobi of our village, and I don't think you throwing up on everyone is going to make many people like you," he said absentmindedly as he walked with his hands clasped loosely behind his back.

"I throw up on you all the time and I still can't get rid of you," she countered with knit brows.

"But," he said with a chuckle," It's my duty to watch over you, being your teammate and all. The same goes for Orochimaru, but ladies first."

"Which is why you should be at his side constantly instead of mine. Last time I checked, Orochimaru was lacking a pair, and I caught him stealing my tampons once," Tsunade said with a grin. Jiraiya just laughed and skipped ahead into the crowd to talk to their sensei, who was supposed to be the one handing out names.

"We here Sarutobi-sensei," he called over the crowds loud chatter. Sarutobi nodded and turned to the other officials that planned this.

"I guess we should start. Anyone that's missing just doesn't do it I suppose." With that, he called for everyone's attention and explained what they were doing, even if everyone already knew. A man with a basket full of names walked around to pass out a single piece of paper to every male shinobi and made his way next to the Hokage once again.

Tsunade was standing next to her pale teammate when he received his paper. She looked over his shoulder to read who he had been assigned to and laughed. It was kind of a "sucks for you" kind of laugh, and she earned a scowl from the boy like face. "I doubt you're going to end up with anyone good, so I wouldn't be laughing Tsunade-chan," he warned in a slightly weary tone before walking off to meet his date.

Tsunade walked over to the bar to get a head start before her date could pull her away for something that would surely be pure agony for her. She leaned forward, praying that it would take longer for her date to find her if she did. She was only able to take one good swig of her drink when someone cleared their throat behind her. She gulped the drink in one go and slammed it down to only slightly tilt her head to one side in a subtly sign that showed she was listening.

"I was informed that you are to accompany me tonight, Princess Tsunade," a polite voice said to her as she tried to get a buzz from the strong sake.

"First things first," she stated as she began to turn "My first name isn't _Princess_ so drop- HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs upon seeing none other than Jiraiya smirking deviously at her. His smile widened after seeing her face visibly pale once reality sunk in. she looked like she might throw up, actually, and it was beginning to worry him.

"You've got to be shitting me," she murmured quietly.

Jiraiya shrugged and gave her one of his sly half grins, "I swear I had no hand in this." He held out his hand and lowered himself into somewhat of a bow, looking up at her through his shocking white hair with sparkling obsidian eyes. Tsunade sighed in defeat and took his hand with a sort of reluctance, but decided that anything had to be better than hearing their sensei bitching to her about it the next day and forcing her to do graveyard shift at the hospital. Kami knows how much stupid drunks that walk in that late piss her off.

"Fuck me, fuck me in the ASS!" she seethed under her breath as she walked with Jiraiya, arms linked, through the bustling street, and attracting many disapproving stares from parents and elders alike.

Jiraiya chuckled to himself and looked down at her with a raised brow, "I would save that for later Hime, but not from the back. I don't like it, its grody and unsanitary." His nose wrinkled involuntarily as he said this.

"Your entire being is unsanitary you oaf, so I wouldn't be talking," she huffed as she continue to fume to herself.

"Such a vulgar, obscene woman," Jiraiya said to himself as they continued down the street. Jiraiya stopped in front of the team's favorite ramen shop and held his arm out. "After you Ms. Senju." Tsunade rolled her eyes and ducked under the hanging sheets of kanji designed fabric to enter the small shop. It was actually just a kitchen with a bar table, but they still made the best ramen in town, and the atmosphere was friendly.

She took a seat on one of the stools and ordered her regular, pork ramen. Jiraiya plopped down next to her, "I'll take whatever she's having," he said to the waiting cook, who smiled in response before turning to give the order to the two other cooks in the small kitchen. Jiraiya rested his elbow on the table, chin in hand, and leaned towards Tsunade with a tight grin and lidded eyes, waiting for her to give him her attention. With the roll of her head, she shifted her gaze to him, staring at him accusingly like it was his fault that her night was ruined to the worst possible degree. She continued to glare at him; making him feel more and more paranoid the longer she did so. "What?" he asked innocently as he shrank back into himself.

"Do you really have to ask?" she drawled in a tired voice.

"Look Hime," he started defensively,"I can show you a good time-," he stopped when her nostrils flared and quickly regretted his last statement, "in a very friendly, non-sexual manner, mind you, but whether _you _choose to enjoy yourself or not isn't up to me." He emphasized his point by crossing his arms and turning his back to the girl, but not without peeking over his shoulder to look for her reaction, of course.

Tsunade bit her lip and turned away from him, trying not to let him see the pang of realization that momentarily flashed across her face. _I'm not being that bitchy, am I? No, he's got to be exaggerating… _Her eyebrows were knit furiously together as she tried to interpret what he was implying with his message. _ That bastard, I'll show him that I'm more than just work and violence. _She straightened her back and grabbed his shoulder to spin him around, pointing a sharply lacquered nail in his face. "You're a bitch, you know that? I am _not _so boring that I don't know how to have a good time. I can out-party you any day," she whispered venomously in his surprised face.

Jiraiya leaned back with a knowing smirk, "Y'know HIme, this isn't a competition."

"Blow me," she snarled before turning away to smile brightly at the cook and thanking him as he set down their bowls. The minute he left, Tsunade shot Jiraiya another cold glare and jabbed him with her chopsticks. "It's on like white on rice, playboy," she spat at him, turning away to begin gulping down her ramen.

Jiraiya's smile widened, amazed at how unbelievably competitive his stubborn teammate was, not that he was complaining. She was, after all, the one that just promised to make this otherwise blah night ten times more interesting.

"Let's go fat ass," the small woman muttered, dragging the white haired man through the streets. She was headed straight to a very well-known and renowned night club that was exclusive, meaning that Jiraiya had never been there before. One of her friends brought her there for her 21st birthday, and she can't say she remembered much of what happened from that night, so it must have been amazing, right?

"Uhhhh Tsunade?" Jiraiya said tentatively, "Where exactly are you bringing me?"

"To a place that your sorry ass could never get into without me," she shot back while continuing her fast pace to the neon building. She could already hear the pounding bass, and they were still a block away. An anxious chill ran down her spine and a sadistic grin stretched across her face. _You're gonna have fun tonight Baka-kun._

They stopped in front of the giant purple glowing building and gazed up at its three story structure. The walls were glass from the ground up, and the people inside were visible even from ground level. Purple, green, and blue neon light stripes stretched across the back walls that weren't made of glass, making the entire building glow faintly from the outside. It was packed, with people crowded against every corner. Some were dancing, others simply talking, and Jiraiya was easily able to pick out the various couples having sex with their clothes still on. That's what it looked like to him, anyways.

"Come on," Tsunade said gleefully, like a little kid in a candy shop.

"Hime, there's no way we're making it in until next week. Just look at the line!" Jiraiya exclaimed while motioning to the crowd of people trying to make it in. There looked like hundreds of them. He didn't even know Konoha _had _this many people! Then again, he failed to notice the giant glowing building also, and he's lived there his entire life.

"You're forgetting who I am, Jiraiya," Tsunade answered with a sly grin. She grabbed his sleeve and yanked him to the front entrance, where a bulky man wearing sunglasses, a suit, and an earpiece was dutifully standing guard, ignoring all the angry complaints being yelled at him from the waiting crowd. Tsunade walked right up to him and smiled innocently (Which kind of freaked Jiraiya out), "Can we go in?" was all she asked. The man lowered his glasses and looked down at her with careful eyes.

"Ms. Tsunade? Of course," he answered in a deep voice. He then shifted his gaze to Jiraiya, looking more than intimidating to even the toughened shinobi. "And you?"

"_Jiraiya_ is with me," Tsunade explained and pulled him closer to her to rest her head on his chest. "He's my date for the night," she chirped.

_For tonight?_ Jiraiya thought with a chuckle. The bouncer pushed his glasses back into place and unhooked the rope for them to pass, earning some very unpleasant comments from the waiting group at the front of the line. Jiraiya was about to walk in after Tsunade when a strong hand fell on his shoulder, preventing him from going forward. "I've heard about you," the bouncer said in his ear, causing him to shiver. "You better not let me find out that the princess here was used for more… _shallow, _purposes like all the other girls you've been with." With that final warning, he let go of Jiraiya's shoulder and pushed him into the building.

The first thing that hit him was the noise. Music blasted in his ears and he could feel the beat pounding in every inch of his body. It took him a little time to recover from the jarring entrance, but when he finally did get his bearings he found Tsunade smiling wildly up at him. She told him to follow her as she ventured deeper into the crowd, maneuvering her way through the sweaty bodies that grinded against each other on the dance floor. Jiraiya, on the other hand, clumsily shouldered his way through the crowd, bumping into every possible person he passed. They continued through the frenzy of people until they made it to the spiraling stairs that led to the next level of chaos.

Tsunade hadn't said a single thing since they got there, or maybe she did and he just couldn't hear her, but she was making it impossible for him to ask him what the hell she got them into. They made it to the second floor, where the sound of fast paced Reggaeton filled the air. Tsunade finally turned around to talk to the confused man. "Dance with me!" She shouted near his ear, barely audible over the loud music.

"In a suit?" he shouted back, tugging at the suit jacket that was making it unbearably hot in the crowded room. Tsunade rolled her eyes and tugged the jacket off of him, throwing it over the railing into the crowd below. Next came the tie, which she pulled over his head and slung over some guy's shoulder next to her. Jiraiya raised a questioning eyebrow at her.

"He's dead anyways Jiraiya, and I have enough money to buy a thousand of those things," Tsunade explained, still shouting. "Now stick out your arms," she commanded.

Jiraiya obeyed and watched in amusement as she unbuttoned the bottom part of his sleeves to begin rolling them up to his elbows. When she was finished she ripped the top of his shirt open, making him shout in surprise and forcing the top three buttons fly off. She motioned for him to follow her into the dancing crowd, and he did so obediently.

Smack in the middle of the group, Tsunade's body gyrated against Jiraiya's and every other person smashed against her. Jiraiya was grinning wickedly down at her, unaware that she danced so dirty. Her small frame shimmied up and down his front, and all he could focus on was her rather pronounced butt and the sharp curve in her lower back. Luckily she was turned away from him, so she couldn't see him staring down at her through lidded eyes. He continued to move to the beat, molding against Tsunade and the slender brunette that decided to grind against him from behind. _Kami I love my life, _he thought over the fast drums that pounded in his brain.

Tsunade pushed her hair out of her eyes (it fell out a long time ago when she started dancing) and found one of the sexiest men that she had ever seen staring at her lustfully as he danced with a tall woman. She bit her lip and beckoned him towards her with her finger, looking at him sensually. He was tall and dark, with sharp, angled features and curly brown hair that stopped right above his eyes. He danced his way towards her, keeping eye contact the entire time and pulling her roughly against his hard body when she was finally in reach. She looked back to give Jiraiya an apologetic look as her new partner began pulling her away. Jiraiya was panicked for a total of two seconds before a scantily dressed girl with a deep tan slammed her body against his and began venturing under his shirt with her hands, rubbing her slender fingers across hardened muscle. Jiraiya felt better all of a sudden, if not violated.

After about two hours of dancing, Tsunade collapsed down on one of the many red leather booth seats that filled the area. She had seen Jiraiya sitting there, equally exhausted, and leaned against his side while panting for much needed air. She signaled to one of the waiters to get them drinks and sat up look at her teammate. His cheeks were flushed and his shirt was nearly torn off, hanging loosely over one of his shoulders. She was sure the straps of her dress had been ripped off, but thankfully her boobs were big enough to hold the dress up, and she lost her heels somewhere in the frenzy. She laughed at the sight of both of them, looking worse than they did in even the most gruesome of fights. The waiter dropped off the drinks, a strange blue vodka shot that Tsunade downed nearly instantaneously, and Jiraiya did the same. She looked into the crowd after her shot and shook her head to regain vision when the best idea came into her head.

"Let's go to the third floor," she shouted to Jiraiya, giggling wildly as she stumbled barefoot to the stairs. Jiraiya jumped up after her with a wide grin and followed eagerly. When they finished tripping up the stairs, they found themselves in a pink lighted room with stripper poles lining the stage. There was pop music filling the area and people were lined up at a counter doing… something. Jiraiya couldn't see but whatever it was had everyone cheering. Tsunade gasped and yanked Jiraiya by his collar to the counter. He wasn't completely sure but it looked like people were _licking_ each other's stomachs from where Jiraiya stood, and he had to look twice to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

"What the hell are they doing," he bent down and asked Tsunade in confusion. She gave him a blank look in return, but it didn't take long for her stare to change into an expression of utter disbelief.

"You, _you of all people, _don't know what a body shot is?" she yelled in shock. Jiraiya shook his head, stopping once he fully comprehended what she asked.

"What do you mean 'you of all people'?"

"Just trust me, you'll love it!" She pushed her way through the crowd to stop in front of the bartender, ordering a shot and pointing at Jiraiya, saying something that he couldn't hear over the loud music. The man behind the bar nodded and took out a couple of glass bottles to make a shot. Tsunade ran back up to Jiraiya with an excited hop in her step. She pulled him down so she could yell in his ear, "I told you I could have a better time than you, and you better not pussy out now!"

The next two minutes flew past in a second, and Jiraiya found himself surrounded by cheering women and men, the latter of which kept calling him a lucky bastard and slapping him on the back. He, of course, was still horribly confused as to what they were congratulating him for, but was too tipsy to worry about it. Suddenly, he was rudely yanked out of his surreal reality when Tsunade pulled her dress over her head, leaving her in only a zebra striped bra with pink lace and very, very,_ very _tight, black shorts that ended just a few inches from her hip. She lay down on the counter, giggling uncontrollably with her hands resting on her flat stomach.

Jiraiya had a hard time swallowing after seeing her.

She yanked on the front of his shirt and pulled him towards her until he was standing right next to the counter, looking down at her with ogling eyes and trying to keep his balance with more than a little difficulty. The bartender poured the shot in her navel and pushed the lime between her generous chest, where it looked like it was being swallowed I the valley of her breasts. "Just drink it off my stomach!" she yelled at the frantic Jiraiya over the chanting crowd.

Jiraiya didn't need to be told twice, hastily dipping his head down and plunging into her belly button with his skilled tongue. He could feel her toned stomach convulse as she laughed at the tickling sensation and grinned on her flesh. The fruity and bitter tang of the shot mixed in with the thin layer of sweat on her body made for a rather interesting flavor on Jiraiya's tongue, and it was quickly becoming his new favorite. He continued to venture up to where the lime rested, staring up at her playfully as his tongue explored new grounds. Without breaking eye contact, he plucked up the lime with his teeth and straightened his back with a victorious smirk behind the green fruit. His audience erupted around him while Tsunade, who was barely conscious of her actions at the moment, sat up, planted her arms around her teammate's neck, and took Jiraiya by surprise by snatching the lime from his teeth with her own. Jiraiya made a mental note to never let her live down those few short moments that their lips made contact.

After their excitement died down and exhaustion began to take its place, they decided to rest at one of the unoccupied booths that sat to the left of the stage, which was being prepared for the next show at the time. Jiraiya had his back to the stage, panting with his long limbs hanging over the edge of the seat as he stared at the still half naked blonde in front of him. Tsunade's cheeks were bright pink on her otherwise pale face.

"Having fun?" she asked breathlessly to the man across from her. Jiraiya, being too tired at the moment to talk, simply nodded his head with a tired smile. They stayed like that for a good five minutes, simply resting and letting the alcohol sink in and completely diminish their already intoxicated state of mind. One good thing about being a shinobi however, and an ace medical one at that for Tsunade's case, was being able to control themselves even while being tipsy. It always helped that the two of them had the highest tolerance level in the village after all those nights that they went out to get a drink. It took at least four tall bottles of sake to get the two drunk, and even more to have them passed out.

"Oh my gawd," Tsunade muttered to herself after seeing the group of strippers burst out of the stage entrance. _How could I have forgotten?_ She mentally scolded herself for not remembering why she loved this club so much, aside from it being the best club around. A plan started to quickly form in her head and she fought through the alcohol to start up a conversation with Jiraiya, who was pretty much just vegging out in front of her with a stupid grin plastered on his face. "Oi, Baka," she slurred to the man, who lazily sat up to look at her.

"May I help you miss?" he asked in an equally slurred tone, resting his head on his arms as he leaned forward onto the table.

Tsunade struggled to find something that would buy her time and prevent him from turning around. Finally, she said," You know what time it is?"

The question took some time for Jiraiya to process, but once it did he perked up and looked at his wrist, which, to his utmost horror, was without a watch. "Hime!" he exclaimed, scaring Tsunade. He looked at her with wide, frightened eyes and continued, "I don't have a watch! Why haven't I bought a watch my entire life?"

Tsunade was laughing at him hysterically, having never seen Jiraiya drunk since she was always the first one to black out, leaving him to deal with her. She had to focus back onto the plan though, and subtly pulled out a fifty dollar bill from her purse to secretly wave it over Jiraiya's head as he continued on with his rant on how bad his crisis was. She kept nodding her head to make it seem like she was actually listening to the disturbed man when she was in actuality getting one of the stripper's attention. When she finally got one, a long haired blonde with nothing more than a sparkling blue thong on, she squealed and tried her best to keep from bursting out laughing. She watched as the sexy blonde crawled towards her oblivious teammate like a lion eyeing its dinner.

"I mean, I've never really been able to tell what time it was now that I think about it! I'm a Shinobi Tsunade! I should be able to-"Jiraiya was interrupted by a pair of soft hands, one covering his mouth as the other slid down his shirt. The hand over his mouth kept him from looking back while the second slender hand explored his chest, pinching his nipple. Tsunade was cheering the scantily dressed stripper on with a wide smile, waiting for the moment the dense man would sober up enough to come to his senses.

The blonde nibbled at his ear, breathing hotly in it as the hand on his chest ventured lower to grab the white haired man's crotch forcefully. "How you doing babe? Names Alexander."

Jiraiya froze instantly, going stiff as the man climbed over the booth and straddled Jiraiya's lap, grinding his pelvis on the other man's. Jiraiya's brain malfunctioned after feeling a rather large bulge rub up and down his lower stomach as he received a well preformed lap dance. He would have enjoyed it had it not been another _man_ rubbing up and down his body sensually.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Jiraiya exclaimed in a mortified voice, crawling away from the man as fast as he could until he eventually fell off the booth and onto the hard ground. Tsunade burst into a a laughing fit and actually began to cry. Jiraiya's face was priceless, like the look of a kid who just had his dreams crushed. Tsunade loved it when children's' dreams got crushed.

"Don't be mean to Alexander!" she yelled at the hyperventilating man through her laughing. The man named Alexander merely shrugged and crawled onto Tsunade's lap, where he preceded to continue his lap dance. She cheered and rubbed her hands down Alexander's well toned, oiled body, making sure to tuck her fifty into the front of the thin cloth that hid his package from view, kissing him quickly on the cheek and thanking him. He smiled and climbed over the booth to go to the next customer, earning a hard slap on the ass from Tsunaade before he left.

Jiraiya slowly climbed back up into his seat looking shell shocked and traumatized. His eyes were still big when he looked at the laughing girl in front of him, trying to wrap his mind around what just happened without vomiting. "Why would you do that?" he asked her in a small, shaky voice that only had Tsunade laughing harder.

"Oh, sorry 'bout that," she managed to say through hiccups. "Did I forget to mention that this was a gay club?"

"And why would you drag me to a gay club?" Jiraiya's voice went up an octave as he asked this.

Tsunade shrugged and grabbed a martini off one of the passing waiter's tray. She took a sip, "Because gay clubs play the best music. Plus the men are beautiful and want to just party with you instead of getting in your pants like all the men at other clubs."

Jiraiya sighed and leaned back, "Well, this'll be one to tell the kids," he said in a lifeless tone.

Tsunade scoffed, "Who would want your kids? I don't even know _how _you manage to sleep with so many girls, I mean, have they _seen _you lately?"

Jiraiya gave her a hurt look and a pouty lip. "I'll have you know that women come crawling to me, and not vice versa," he stated in a dignified voice.

"The sad thing is that you're telling the truth," she said wearily and downed the rest of her martini. "I bet there are women that would blow you even if you had maggots coming out of your crotch."

They spent the rest of their time dancing the night away, stopping only occasionally to down a few drinks before tumbling back onto the dance floor. Jiraiya now took notice how many other men there were in there (and how nearly all of them tried to kiss him at least once while they danced next to him). He was sure he had his ass grabbed more times that one night than Tsunade's had hers grabbed her entire life, and that was saying something. It was nice for Tsunade have fun, and she meant really have fun, without having to worry about any pig headed men. Even as she danced in the middle of hundreds of beautiful men in just her zebra and lace bra, she felt safe and didn't have to worry about being groped.

Exhausted and spent, the two decided to leave after a good seven or so hours of clubbing. Tsunade had her arm over Jiraiya's slumped shoulders to keep from falling as they both stumbled to the exit, just sober enough to not collapse. The giant glass wall had been covered sometime in the night, so no one actually knew what time it was. The minute they walked out, they were blinded by the harsh light of the early morning. The sun was beginning to peak out over the mountains and the streets were occupied by the many shop keepers as they prepared for the new day. The two tired and slightly drunk shinobi recoiled from the change of environment and struggled to adjust to the bright light.

"You hungry Jiraiya?" Tsunade mumbled, ignoring all the strange stares they were getting as they walked down the street. Remnants of the festival from the night before were still visible, like the hanging banners and colorful lights. "Because I'm starving," she continued while holding her grumbling stomach.

"We could eat at a breakfast shop somewhere," he suggested, his eyes squinting to look for a place. He spotted the waffle shop just down the street and pointed to it, "Feel like waffles?" he inquired, since he really didn't care where they ate as long as the meal was hot.

They walked into the waffles shop and inhaled deeply, marveling in the smell of bacon and waffles. They stood in the doorway, oblivious to the stares they were getting. As they walked to a booth, Jiraiya took notice of the people giving him disapproving looks and, for the first time, got a good look at himself in one of the window's reflection. His hair was more disheveled than ever, nearly falling out of its ponytail, and his clothes were nearly torn to shreds. His white button down shirt was held together by only the few bottom buttons, leaving most of his torso exposed, and lipsticks of all different colors lined his collar. His cheeks were a rosy pink and his eyes were unfocussed, but aside from that he thought he looked pretty decent.

"Hime," he whispered as they got their menus, "you know we're being stared at, right?"

Tsunade looked around and just now realized that they were surrounded by the old, grumpy elders that woke up at four in the morning just to go to a shop and eat breakfast, complaining to each other about how ungrateful and disrespectful the new generation was. They were all full of shit in her opinion and needed to fall down and die already so she didn't have to deal with them at the hospital anymore. She turned back to her teammate and started giggling at how absurd they probably looked. She looked at her reflection in the window, but actually wasn't all that shocked at what she saw. Before they left she had taken the tank top of some guy that she was dancing with, so at least she wasn't shirtless. She just now read what the tank top said though, and laughed at the giant arrow that pointed down to where her penis was supposed to be, had she been a guy, that is. It read "**Taste Like Candy."** The back of the shirt had another arrow that pointed straight to her ass with giant letters that read "Insert Here" and to top it all off, the shirt as a whole had bright, neon rainbow stripes and sparkled more than anything Tsunade owned. She failed to pick up some pants, so she was still left in her tight black spanks, not that you could see them under the long tank top though. Her eyeliner was smeared and she had the remnants of deep purple lipstick staining her lips. Her hair was a wild blonde mess with sparkles everywhere.

"I think we look rather classy, don't you?" Tsunade asked once she was done examining the damage. Jiraiya smirked tiredly behind his menu and ran a lazy hand through his white mane.

"I have to admit, gay guys party harder than I could any day," Jiraiya mused out loud while attempting to read the menu, but with little luck. Finally, he gave up and pushed the it away, deciding to just order what Tsunade was since his brain was still buzzing from the night before.

"And me?" Tsunade threw in after choosing what she wanted.

Jiraiya smiled to himself and looked up at her through his bangs as he leaned forward on his elbows, which rested on the table. "I never thought the all work and no play Tsunade would be able to pull off a night like that, but you proved me wrong Hime," he said with a chuckle.

After filling their empty stomachs with hot food and something besides alcohol, the pair made their way to Tsunade's house, after Jiraiya convinced her to let him walk her home, of course. The afternoon sun shone high in the sky above Konoha's bustling streets, which were packed with people out to shop for groceries and the like. They walked in silence, not wanting to waste much needed energy talking when they needed it just to keep their legs moving. Tsunade swore she was going to collapse on the carpet the minute she stepped into her house, since she felt no urge whatsoever to walk up her staircase to get to her room.

"I guess I better let you go," Jiraiya stated as Tsunade opened the door to her house.

"You make it sound like we've been talking on the phone," Tsunade said.

"Well would you prefer I just leave without saying anything at all?" Jiraiya asked.

Tsunade chuckled, looking down at her wood flooring in thought. She felt strangely sad that he had to leave, much to her own disbelief. She sucked in a deep breath and looked up at him, studying his face closely, the face that she'd be able to draw without even thinking about if anyone told her too. "Why don't you just crash here," Tsunade suggested after some thought.

Jiraiya had to make sure he heard her right, "What? You're asking _me_ if I want to crash in _your _house?"

"Did I mumble?" Tsunade said impatiently.

Jiraiya stared at her cautiously, not sure if he should trust her. "Why?" he asked hesitantly.

Tsunade sighed irritably, "Look, it may just be the vodka running through my system but I don't actually feel like pummeling your face in for a change. I just thought that you would want to sleep here since your place is a couple miles away on the other side of the village," Tsunade explained.

Jiraiya gave her a surprised look but didn't attempt to challenge her logic. "Okay then, I guess I could just crash at your place for today. I think my gear is still here anyways," he added with a thoughtful look.

Right after shutting the door behind her, Tsunade dropped her purse and made a beeline for one of the two amazingly comfortable couches that filled the middle of her living room. She immediately crashed onto the plushy seating and fell asleep. Jiraiya watched her, amused as usual, as she began to snore ever so lightly. He pulled his shirt off, along with his shoes and curled up on the couch across from his teammate. He started to drift off only seconds after his head hit the pillow, and before he knew it he was fast asleep.

Jiraiya woke up with a weak groan and rolled onto his back, holding his pounding head with a heavy hand. Hesitantly, he cracked an eye open and was happy to find that the room was dim, probably due to it being night already. He rubbed the sleep away and scanned the room for a clock, finally spotting one on the opposite wall and squinting to read it. "Kami, I slept that long?" he croaked in a raspy voice and laid his head back down. It was already ten at night, and he was pretty sure they got there at around five in the morning.

"Finally awake?" a soft voice asked, sounding as shitty as he felt. He felt the couch sink in next to him under Tsunade's weight and moved his hands from over his face to stare at her with unfocused black eyes. She groaned as she sank into comforts of the white couch and cocked her head to the side to give him the same glazed look.

"I feel like shit," Jiraiya managed to choke out in a gravelly voice. He slowly sat up with much effort and more moaning than an old man to greet his teammate with his regular stupid grin, the one that Tsunade both loved and loathed depending on the situation. At the moment, she was actually feeling pretty good seeing it. Maybe it was just nice to know that she wasn't the only one here suffering from the hangover of a lifetime.

Tsunade gave him a smug smirk before getting up to the kitchen. She came back with a cup of steaming tea, knowing that he would feel better from drinking it because it was her remedy for a hangover. They really needed to get better because they had a mission the next morning and heaven forbid Sarutobi see them lagging after being shit-faced drunk. They had both heard enough of that old man's bitching about abstaining from "tainted substances that poison the soul." Next time she heard that speech, she was calling him out for being more perverted than Jiraiya.

"I love you Tsunade, have I ever told you that?" Jiraiya moaned gratefully after taking a small sip of the warm green tea.

"Too many times, actually. In fact I don't really need to be get any more attention from you Jiraiya, believe it or not," she said thoughtfully but without malice. She was too tired to snap at him.

"But who would keep you company if it wasn't for me?" Jiraiya asked with a pout, or the best that he could manage in that state anyway. "No one is going to bother putting up with a psychotic bitch like you Hime."

Tsunade laughed mockingly, "Yeah, like anyone would stand to be with a perv like you either. Tell me, have you ever actually talked, as in had a meaningful conversation, with a girl besides me?"

"Of course I have!" _not, _he added to himself."Have you ever had a conversation with a guy that didn't end in you punching him or making him cry besides me?"

"Jiraiya, unlike you, I have social skills. So yes, I have held a conversation with a man for longer than twenty minutes without punching or emotionally scarring him."

"I doth call bullshit."

"What? What the fuck was that? Did you just say _doth_?"

Jiraiya glared at her while sipping his tea, not breaking eye contact even to set it down on the table. Tsunade held his glare, refusing to back down, but abruptly whipped her head away when she heard the water kettle shrieking from the kitchen behind her. "Yush! I win the cat fight!" Jiraiya exclaimed while jumping up and pounding his fists in the air, but dropped back down suddenly, cradling his pounding head in large hands.

"You're an idiot," Tsunade called from the other room. "And please put a shirt on, I don't want to have to stare at you moobs whenever I go to relax in my own living room," she added with an exasperated sigh.

"I'll put my shirt on if you take yours off," he mumbled from between his legs, still holding his head to stop the blood from rushing. Tsunade flipped him off as she walked past him, but the message was lost in the man's attempt to stop his brain from hurting.

"I'm putting on a movie if you wanna' watch," Tsunade called from the far wall of the room, searching through her vast collection of DVDs and finally plucking out the third Harry Potter movie. Jiraiya straightened up, inhaling deep as he did so to see what movie she had picked out for them.

"Really? Harry Potter? Why?" he whined in a low voice.

"Because it helps me go to sleep, that's why," she snapped indignantly as she placed the DVD into the machine and turned on the giant flat screen.

Jiraiya sighed but said nothing. He was just grateful she let him sleep here because he needed it for sure. He scooted over so she could accompany the space next to him after she finished turning off all the lights. She sat down, pulling up the legs of her baggy sweats as she did so, and set up the movie.

Twenty minutes into the movie and Tsunade was out like a light, using Jiraiya as a pillow. He hadn't even noticed her sleeping until he felt the slight tickling sensation of drool rolling down his chest and with a frown he looked down at the sleeping girl holding tightly to his right arm and using his shoulder as a cushion. "Goddamn Hime," he muttered while to reposition himself without waking her. He managed to lie down comfortably while still keeping his arm around her small frame and sighed contently once he was able to relax into the soft couch.

"Hmmmmm... Jiraiya?" Tsunade mumbled in a groggy voice. Jiraiya looked placidly and hummed questionably. "Go out with me again sometime," she continued, oblivious to the whimsical sounds and flashing lights that invaded the air from the TV's large screen.

"Sure, why not?" Jiraiya answered, not thinking much of her request since she probably wouldn't remember any of it the next morning.

"Promi-promise you'll go out with me again," she demanded, a slight urgency in her voice.

Jiraiya stared at her thoughtfully and slightly confused, but nodded nonetheless. "I promise Hime," he stopped to kiss the top of her head, "now go back to sleep."

She hummed in satisfaction and snuggled closer to her "pillow," not wanting to leave the only source of heat that was keeping her from freezing. "You're right you know," she continued after a moment of silence. "I wouldn't have anyone to talk to if you weren't around. Orochimaru doesn't like me and I don't like Sensei. You're the only one I can tolerate while still being tolerated by." Even though her words weren't slurred, she was still out of it, and Jiraiya had a hard time hearing her, but her words made it to his ears loud and clear.

He chuckled darkly to himself, knowing that she wouldn't remember any of this the next morning and would never believe him if he told her what she had confessed to him. He could live with that though. "You want to go to that club again sometime this month when we're off?" he inquired quietly, afraid of waking her completely out of her little trance.

She exhaled deeply on his bare skin and grinned softly. "Yeah, I'd like that…" She kissed the side of his left right pectoral with a smooching sound, "Night night Baka-kun."

A smile played at Jiraiya's lips and he closed his eyes wearily. "Night Hime."

Someday this girl would be the end of him, he just knew it.

**I'm too tired and lazy to proofread this, so sorry for the mistakes. I started this a looooong time ago, but my summer has been crazy and tragic with my grandpa's death, so I never got around to finishing it, sorry :(. I really need to get back to Tricked Into Love, and this was originally started when I was searching for something to write about, and I rather liked how it came out.**

**OH NOES! I CROSSED THE PATHS! Yeah, they have Harry Potter now… and dance clubs… and flat screens… and the German Language…**

**I have a prize for anyone that can translate what Jiraiya said to Orochimaru in the beggining! 8D not. But try anyways!**

**Please review, thanks so much for reading and nighty night.**


End file.
